Door Opening

In my present change process I have been in an "in-between" place.  Not a comfortable space for me, but an important space to honor and to have patience with.  Still, in just the past few days the energy has shifted.  I feel like a doorway is opening.  The path beyond it is unclear and Unknown to me.  But I can see the light streaming in through the crack of the opening.

Not always easy, this change time has been one of becoming more comfortable with uncertainty.  So while much is unclear about what will happen on the other side of the doorway, I feel uncharacteristically calm and expectant about my next steps.  A wonderful change has happened that has prepared me to walk gently and easily through this doorway into the Unknown.  I will stay open so that I can step forward with grace and in peace. 

"Follow your bliss and the Universe will open doors where there were only walls."

                       --Joseph Campbell       

The Present

The present--it's a gift we give to ourselves.  Life sometimes flies with amazing speed.  We have many things to do, places to go.  It's easy to get swept up in the momentum.

This morning I sat on my couch briefly to check my phone.  I was doing the usual catch-up when my kitty Cassie came to sit on my lap.  She has done this before, with her napping and me scrolling on my phone or reading a book or the paper.  Today I was petting her soft fur when it occurred to me that this could be an incredible opportunity for bonding, for connecting, for healing touch.  So I put my phone down.  I gently massaged her little bones, gave her warm touch, and smoothed her fur with my hand.  I did this with the intention of nothing more than being present with another being.  As I did this I was filled with warmth and Love.  She fully received my Presence.  I truly felt how precious the energy was in our bonding.  All of the items on my day's agenda fell away.  There was no other attention except the sitting, connecting, warm contact and Being.  I feel like I have experienced this "being" many times before, but today the alive awareness seemed to be elevated to a level I had not known before.  So... wonderful.

All of this just served to demonstrate to me what this life is all about.  That there is nothing more important than Love.  And love grows out of what we put our energy and attention on.  Just those few minutes (maybe an hour) of stopping and connecting fully with my self and my kitty showed me that we are here to fully embody ourselves in the Present moment   That Love flourishes when we do this.  When we give ourselves the gift of the present moment, we are then able to share that "present" with other beings around us--large, small, animal, mineral, vegetable, and certainly human.  This is what Life asks of us.  We are here to do and to BE on our earth journey.  Love flows through all of this.

"It always pays to dwell slowly on the beautiful things--the more beautiful, the more slowly."

                               --Atticus             

   

Life

I feel like I am finally ready to reflect on the events of the past months of May, June, and July.  In early May I was offering support to my next door neighbor of 9 years who was in some depression from her bipolar disorder.  She and I had conversations in passing, and I checked in on her from time to time.  In early June this round of depression for her had gone much deeper. She was needing assistance, but she was also refusing to accept many offers of help.  I did what I could, but she was also deeply troubled.  In mid-June she committed suicide with her gun.  I am the one who found her around 4:00 in the afternoon, a couple of days after she had died.  This experience has rocked me to the core.  It took many days/weeks for me to deal with the PTSD from this event.  And it required lots of conversations and hours of processing with neighbors and friends for me to bring myself back to a place of calm.  After my neighbor's memorial early this month I am now feeling more resolved and less affected by this experience.

Prior to this I had not been close to the experience of suicide. There is so much fallout that is unknown to anyone who has not been touched by it.  One important piece for me to address was the need to dispel the doubt I had about my actions and involvement.  I received a gift at the end of this day of crisis.  The officer in charge came to my door with some final pieces of information before he left.  He told me kindly, "You did all the right things."  I felt a huge weight lifted, and I felt so grateful and affirmed by this.  Another unexpected piece was that I needed to assist my kitty with her own version of post-traumatic stress, since she had heard the gunshot.  She struggled with the noises through the 4th of July.

So now on this side of it, I see that I am a much stronger person because of this life experience.  My return to balance, after going from normal life to the darkest human levels in an extremely short amount of time, has required me to lean on my solid inner foundation and on the love of the Creator.  I have found a level of COURAGE that I didn't know I possessed.  Life brings us experiences that push us to realize and claim our strength, so that we can continue forward even better equipped than we were before.  I feel solid and good about my life. I feel well-prepared as I open the door wide for what is yet to come.

"Choose life, only that and always and at whatever risk.  To let life leak out, to let it wear away by the mere passage of time, to withhold giving it and spreading it is to choose nothing."

               --Sister Helen Kelly

     

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Truth/Trusting

We are all on a journey.  We are being washed together through the churning waves of change, gradually toward a more peaceful shoreline.  All of us are needed, and we're moving in these moments of time according to each person's unique life purpose.  We are being encouraged to trust in the idea that this collective process is moving naturally, organically, and in a way that will eventually allow us to live in greater harmony with ourselves, with each other, and with the complex world around us.

In my own life, much of my life purpose has been to find the truth of my life, and to live my truth and life fully.  The more I have found that truth, the more my ability to trust has grown. This trust in my life process has given me a foundation of constancy, stability and calm.  Those qualities are serving me well as I move through these ever-shifting days.  I am able to stay centered and grounded--a powerful gift.

"I am in the pursuit of truth.  If beauty is a result of that, so be it.  I will not pursue beauty to the exclusion of truth."

                        --Sue Whitacre, title from one of my paintings

"So trust the process of your life unfolding, and know with certainty, through the peaks and valleys of your journey, that your soul rests safe and secure in the arms of God."

                        --Dan Millman 

  

She'll Flower

Today I am being prompted to write about my uncertain life.  I have been moving through some changes that feel like they are taking me into definitely Unknown territory.  I have experienced a lot of irrational fears coming up--all to be released.  And now, after one of the most challenging weeks of my life I am feeling the reassurance that is promised in this post title.

I had found a photo of my shell flower in bloom on one of my phone apps. So I decided to email it to myself so that I could transfer it to my laptop.  In the process, as I was typing the subject line of the email, it came out "She'll Flower."  I didn't notice this when I sent the email, but I did muse about it when I saw it later.  Now these recent events and large changes are taking me on a wild ride into the Unknown.  I am aware of a swirling of energies that whispers in my ear that "the game is afoot," as Sherlock Holmes would say.  That things are about to get exciting and interesting.  So while I have been languishing in some recent challenges that tested my temerity, this confident message has come in to swoosh me forward.  It says "You passed the test for courage, and it's time to move on."  I heartily accept this invitation to adventure.  Bring it!

"Adventure is the bridge between dreams and reality.  When we walk across that bridge, we can explore the unknown and uncover hidden wonders."

                          --Unknown     

A Shifting Tide

I am seeing small signs of a tide shifting.  I feel like the repetitious patterns of turmoil in the world are giving way to some experiences of lightness.  Personally, I am receiving unexpected gifts, and I'm realizing that essential things I need in these moments are simply and easily being  provided.  Also, I am seeing positive shifts in people around me.  I see more openness and compassion.  Not in every case, but enough to hint at a different flow of energy and a nod to our world transitioning out of a dark place.  These are all changes for good in the midst of the chaos being expressed daily in the world.  I feel joy and gratitude for this new awareness. 

"I give myself the gift of freedom from the past and move with joy into the new."

                                --Louise Hay  

Lightening the Load

We are in a time of unquestionably needing to lift ourselves out of past patterns.  Anything that creates a drag on this process is no longer contributing in a constructive way.  More than just spring cleaning, I feel like this is a time of deep clearing. We must clear the way and make space for a new kind of living, for a lighter form of energy to emerge and thrive.  Anything residual that is in the way of our best progress and greatest health has got to go.  This is a time when we have to remove all dead weight.  It's okay to let go of things you thought you wouldn't choose to, or thought you would never be able to.  That is the best action for this present time.  I like the word jettison.  It concisely describes my current need to clear.  The original definition of this word meant "to lighten a vessel to improve its stability in an emergency" (Dictionary.com).  Other definitions included the words "superfluous" and "encumbering."  All of these concepts are important to consider in the process of clearing.  Also, I like that the word "jet" is part of this word.  I think of the speedy jet energy that will come when old weight is released.  I am ready for lighter days ahead!

"Sometimes it is necessary to let something go simply because it is too heavy."

                             --Fiona Childs