Life

I feel like I am finally ready to reflect on the events of the past months of May, June, and July.  In early May I was offering support to my next door neighbor of 9 years who was in some depression from her bipolar disorder.  She and I had conversations in passing, and I checked in on her from time to time.  In early June this round of depression for her had gone much deeper. She was needing assistance, but she was also refusing to accept many offers of help.  I did what I could, but she was also deeply troubled.  In mid-June she committed suicide with her gun.  I am the one who found her around 4:00 in the afternoon, a couple of days after she had died.  This experience has rocked me to the core.  It took many days/weeks for me to deal with the PTSD from this event.  And it required lots of conversations and hours of processing with neighbors and friends for me to bring myself back to a place of calm.  After my neighbor's memorial early this month I am now feeling more resolved and less affected by this experience.

Prior to this I had not been close to the experience of suicide. There is so much fallout that is unknown to anyone who has not been touched by it.  One important piece for me to address was the need to dispel the doubt I had about my actions and involvement.  I received a gift at the end of this day of crisis.  The officer in charge came to my door with some final pieces of information before he left.  He told me kindly, "You did all the right things."  I felt a huge weight lifted, and I felt so grateful and affirmed by this.  Another unexpected piece was that I needed to assist my kitty with her own version of post-traumatic stress, since she had heard the gunshot.  She struggled with the noises through the 4th of July.

So now on this side of it, I see that I am a much stronger person because of this life experience.  My return to balance, after going from normal life to the darkest human levels in an extremely short amount of time, has required me to lean on my solid inner foundation and on the love of the Creator.  I have found a level of COURAGE that I didn't know I possessed.  Life brings us experiences that push us to realize and claim our strength, so that we can continue forward even better equipped than we were before.  I feel solid and good about my life. I feel well-prepared as I open the door wide for what is yet to come.

"Choose life, only that and always and at whatever risk.  To let life leak out, to let it wear away by the mere passage of time, to withhold giving it and spreading it is to choose nothing."

               --Sister Helen Kelly

     

 .